The Stupid Things People Say

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. I would only have to reheat it. Just a thought.
I've noticed that hotels these days no longer have the 13th floor because of superstition. I'm not sure how ignorant these hotel owners think we are, but the people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you are really on. If you jump out of the 14th floor hoping to kill yourself, you will die earlier.
I was talking to a guy the other day and he thought it would make him seem more manly if he said to me "I haven't slept for 10 days." I said "Good because that would be too long." And when it comes to racism, a lot of people say, "You know, I don't care if they are black, white, green or purple." Hold on a second. You've got to draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people. Unless they are suffocating. Then help them.
I was at a friends place the other day and they said "You're going to have to sleep on the floor." I said "Damn gravity. Got me again. I wanted to sleep on the wall." And I hate the way real estates tell people how many bedrooms a house has. It's my house I'll decide how many bedrooms it has shall I? This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people Watching TV. This bedroom is also known as a hallway.
I don't really understand why a lot of advertising uses letters in their phone numbers to be catchy. Because generally they use way too many: "Just call 1-800-I-REALLY-ENJOY-CARPETING."
I was in a supermarket the other day looking at a magazine and an assistant came up to me and said "This is not a library."
"OK, I will talk louder then."
That is all.

T.

Moving

I hate moving house. I have come to realise that when it comes to moving, there is a formula. The more awkward your house is positionally, the more gigantic and fragile stuff you have to move. Basically, if you live in an apartment on the 15th floor of a building, when you decide it is time to move out you will discover several incredibly large and awkward things that you all of a sudden have to move. "Oh, shit there's that fridge I bought. But I'm not sure I need 3 of them." Or "Hold on a sec guys, theres something in my pocket. Holy shit! A couch. Where did this bastard come from? And how the hell did it fit in my pocket unnoticed until now?" And sometimes even "Dude this isn't my Statue of David. I don't know how it got here." All in all, a painful process. And its almost a guarentee that no matter how much bigger the place you are moving into is, your stuff will never fit. There will always be too much. That and every doorway will be slightly too small for those important things.
And why is it that people ask for help moving? Why don't people ask for help staying put. "Yeah I can't do anything today, I promised my mate that I'd help him stay put. I gotta go round to his house and make sure he doesn't pack all of his things into a large truck."
That is all.

T.

Welcome To University

What is it about universities that make them punish first year uni students? Shouldn't they be welcoming them? Or at least trying to make it look like they are? What is so hard about "Hello, and welcome to university." and not "Hello and welcome to university. To make your life more difficult, please try to do anything that is necessary to enroll and we will make it as hard as possible. And don't forget to step outside and be hounded by the 4000 different societies. Have a nice day."

My First Day:
Although my first day consisted of 1 hour of lectures and nothing else, I don't think it could have been made much more painful. But such is my continuing endeavour to somehow aquire a student card. Simple? Apparently not. First, I waited in line to get my student card only to be told that I need my enrollment details. Was this mentioned anywhere? No. So I went to the library and asked if they could print out my enrollment form. The receptionist turned into an angered hive of bees and my bag turned into a bucket of crying babies and I had to somehow escape without dropping the babies. But, as was the way with most things that day, I looked down and found my feet were now lemons. Walking became slightly awkward.
Of course, none of that actually happened. Well, nothing after my asking the receptionist if she could print out the form. The rest was in my head. Anyway, the receptionist said she could print it out for me, all I needed was my student ID card (I'm serious). I told her my unfortunate predicament. She was sympathetic and explained to me how I was to go about retrieving this form without a student ID card, all I needed was my student number and password. I knew these so I typed them into the computer and expected results. How very naive of me. Why would something as simple as lining up twice for about 45 minutes be all it takes to slay the university dragon? Of course, my password didn't work. So I headed for the IT Help Desk.
Now, until recently, I had not realised how loosely the term "Help" in the title "IT Help Desk" is used. Not once was I helped in the 600 hours I stood in line. After waiting until my beard had grown healthy and thick, I was finally at the front of a line of about 40 people, with only one person "Helping" us. And it's not as if there wasn't an entire room of IT "Help" students in a room behind him that everyone in line could see were not doing anything. Apparently, coffee is more important than all of us.
But finally, a person came out and asked if I was trying to change my password. I said yes and he gave me a pre cut piece of paper with a website address in which I could supposedly fix my problem. But of course coming out 599 hours ago and telling me that would have helped. So I sat down at a computer and went to this website and suprise suprise, I could only check my password, not change it. And as you all may have guessed, it was the one I had been trying all along. So I thought fuck this, and went up to give it one more try. Of course it didn't work, My password wasn't changed and I was no closer to getting my student ID card. But what fun I had waiting unneseccarily in line for so long. So I chewed off my own eyebrows. And set fire to that bucket of babies.

But it is not only my first day that has been filled with pointless endeavours and meaningless adventures. My older brother was sent on a fantastic wild goose chase around his uni only to find the place he was looking for was about 30 metres away from where he started (up some stairs too). And I will warn you now that my student ID card adventure continued and is still going, and because of my fruitless efforts, more problems have surfaced. But That's another story. That is all.

T.

Back In Action

Well, my blog hasn't been fed for quite some time. It's looking a little unhealthy. So lets get it back into shape eh? And what a topic I have for today. Grimace. The Macdonalds mascot. Never before have I seen such a stupid excuse for a mascot.
To start with, never, ever name a product supporting mascot Grimace. Particularly a food mascot. There are a million different ideas people can get from the name Grimace for a mascot and, I'm sorry, but none of them are good. No matter how you look at it, Grimace is a better description for the facial expression of someone that has just been kicked in the nuts that a name of a mascot.
But then they go and make this Grimace character a fat, fucking purple puff? That's even worse than the name. Never, ever make a mascot that children are likely to look up to fat (or purple for that matter). That's just asking for trouble. But look at the line up of mascots that Macdonalds have;

A clown
A bird
A burgular (another potentially horrible idea for a mascot)
A fat purple puff

Spot the odd one out? Could it posibly be the thing that doesn't exist? What the hell is he (it?) supposed to be? Who thinks these characters up? And who the hell thinks these characters are a good idea? Did no-one think this through? Who sits there and says to a board of marketers;

"How about we make a mascot a fat thing (providing the image that this food chain is closely linked to fatness). A fat purple thing. Yeah that sounds like a fantastic idea. And what shall we call it? I know, how about Grimace (Linking the food chain to the idea of getting kicked in the nuts)?"

Why did nobody stop it there? Why did nobody think; "Hang on a second.....Thats a horrible idea! Not a good one." Because, if you actually stop and think about it for one second you can see the 4 billion flaws it the marketing. How did Macdonalds become so popular with such shit marketing? That is all.

T.

You Mean There's More?

Sorry about the lack of posting, I just couldn't really be bothered, so I didn't. Simple really. But now I'm back into the spirit of things to an extent, so I guess I'll make a pathetic attempt at tension release by posting.
Shop names. Some are clever, witty even, but most are crap. Then there are the few that stoop lower than crap. Those that make you want to cry because people stupid enough to think that the names they give shops are clever or enticing in any way actually exist. At the top of this list are shop names that use the word "More" in their title. "Shoes and More", "Furniture and more", "Foetuses and More", "Terminal Diseases and More". More? Wrong. Shoe shops sell shoes. Furniture shops sell furniture. Foetus shops don't actually exist (so theres no need to get excited). There is never anything more. It is just the shop owner's incredibly subtle way of saying "Don't want shoes? Come in anyway and we will try to sell you some shoes." Very clever.
But one shop I came across actually made me burst out laughing. It was called "Tyres and more". But just in case that incredibly effective and well thought out shop name didn't have you second guessing whether or not it actually had something other than tires inside the shop, the slogan for the shop was "More than just tyres!" Wow. Well now I'm convinced. That is all.

T.

Would You Like Fries With That?

No. No I would not. Otherwise there is a good chance I would have asked for it. But who knows, maybe there is a one in a million customer that has some kind of inability to request some fries. In which case, lucky they have the cashier asking each and every person if they would like fries with their previously ordered fries. I remember a certain conversation between a cashier and I some time ago;

"Hi, could I please get a large Coke?"
"Sure, would you like fries with that?"
"I'm sorry, but is there any reason you think I'm mentally incapable?"
"Pardon?"
"Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't actually recall asking for fries. Did I?"
"No."
"Right, well what makes you think I have a mental deficiency that leaves me incapable of asking for some fries with my drink?"
"Nothing, we are just told to ask everyone."
"So you think that no-one is capable of asking for fries?"
"No, we are just told to ask everyone"
"Right, well is there anything else you'd like to know if I don't want?"
"We are told to ask everyone."
"Do you remember what I do want?"
"Uh...A large Coke?"
"Very good. Thank you."

So, If anyone reading this happens to be placed in a situation in which they feel they should ask if the customer wants fries with whatever they ordered, stop and think "Do they look retarded?" That is all.

T.

Dancing Ability Does Not Equal Musical Ability

Too many times I have said to someone "rap/R'n'B/etc. is neither musical or talented" and the response I receive is "but they can dance/are hot/are real gangstas (note the ridiculous spelling)." So fucking what? Maybe the can dance, maybe they are hot, or maybe they did live a tough life on the ghetto. This does not mean that they possess musical talent. Just because Usher can dance does not mean he should get away with songs like "Yeah". I'm sorry, but that song lacks any remote connection to music. Actually I'm not sorry. I fucking hate Usher. And just because 50 Cent lived a "gangsta" life does not mean that he should even be considered musical, let alone allowed to make a record.
But I guess it's not really the lack of music talent that gets me, so much as the lyrics. Every song is about women ("bitches"), money (or "bling") and killing people (or as they so kindly put it, "bustin' a cap"). Doesn't that get a little repetitive? Not even a bit?
Before I leave so I don't get so frustrated at all this lack of talent that I end up tearing the limbs off a poor, defenceless gorilla and feeding them to a starving family in Turkmenistan, I will bring to your attention one more thing. Has anyone else noticed how stupid the rap/R'n'B "artists" names are?

Usher - Someone that shows an audience to their seats
50 cent - 1/2 a dollar
Emniem - Suprisingly close to a small, candy coated chocolate
Li'l Bow Wow - A soft, pethetic attempt at a dog bark
Li'l John - A smaller version of a regular person
Li'l Kim - Another smaller version of a normal person (notice the fact that many of them consider themselves little)
Li'l Bitch - This one's not actually real...to my knowledge
Scribe - Someone that writes shit (all by himself!)

The list goes on. Now lacking musical ability is one thing, but naming yourself something as stupid as that? These people don't even deserve to live, and people consider them artists. What happened? When did society consider throwing a pile of words together (anywhere between 1 and about 8 per song, as I'm not entirely sure that "I'm not gon' giv'up" is any more than 2) and laying a bass track onto it art? Or music? Or anything but a waste of time, money and effort? That is all.

T.

Could You Please Turn it Down a Bit?

Only recently, I have started noticing the absurdly loud volume of everything. Now it may be because I am just getting old and frail, but everything is all of a sudden too loud. I walk into a shop (particularly a clothes shop) and I can't hear myself think.
"Oh, that doesn't look so bad, ill go try it on. Wait, fuck, no I won't, Jamiroquai is being played at 12-billion decibals. Oh God, someone is even dancing. Right, time to cut out my eyes."
And then there's TV ads. I find myself in the bathroom or the kitchen, and being able to hear the ads in there better than I could hear the TV show that was on when I was sitting on the couch. It's actually amazing just how much louder the TV ads are. And half of them are filled with people screaming.
"Come to the massive super ultra mega hyper power sale at the warehouse! Must end tonight! Or tomorrow. Or when we feel like we have sold enough. But fuck, get down here right now, or you'll miss it! You haven't moved from your TV yet! Quickly, come down otherwise the 6 billion persian rugs and 5 trillion sets of underwear may be gone! Never mind the fact that it's 10:30 at night! Just get the fuck out of your house! Slashed prices for up to 5 different items! That's right! 5! Holy shit!" And so on an so forth.
My parents own a home theatre business. And we sell a subwoofer called a DD-18. This thing is, I kid you not, 120kgs and about 100cm tall and 50x50 wide. It's a fucking big sub. Now we have only had these in stock for about a month, and we have already sold about 5. Who the hell needs a sub the size of a fucking country? It's not healthy to listen to this thing go even half as loud as it can. It can cause serious permanent damage. But people are buying them and taking them home. It loud not good enough? Do people need "So fucking loud that not only will you lose your hearing, you you will lose your sight, sense of smell and control of your bladder loud"? Because that's basically the specialty of this thing. To kill people through noise.
So we really need to just tone things down a notch. Or maybe I just need to figure out how to change the volume on my TV. I don't know. That is all.

T.